Welcome to my Anxious Brain. 

I am grateful for two things right now:
1. I’m grateful this day is over. 

2. I’m grateful this day was not as bad as I thought it would be. 
My bad mental/emotional days are extremely few and far between these days. However, I still get triggered by anxiety. If my apartment is too cluttered/messy and things aren’t where they are supposed to be, I get anxiety. If I have to deal too much with other people or there’s a ton of things going on, I get anxiety. 
Last night I got hit really hard by the anxiety train. 
I signed some papers last week so the investors in my complex could come look at my apartment today. Only I had to go food shopping yesterday and by the time we got back, there wasn’t time to clean. There were dishes in the sink, the floor needed to be vacuumed and both the bathroom and my bedroom needed to be organized. Coming home and not having the time to fix all of this started to push me over the edge. 
When I came home from the store, my CLS person told me I had to interview six people today. Six. We are (still) trying to find someone to take my mother’s hours so my CLS person asked me last week when she should schedule more interviews. I told her today before I found out the investors were also coming today. But six interviews seemed a bit excessive at once to me.
All of this after spending the whole day being interactive in three different stores was way too much for me. 
After B left last night, it started to sink in that there were going to be a crap ton of people here today. There would be a crap ton of people here, my apartment was a mess, I was overwhelmed by the day’s events and the day to come’s events and it wasn’t even here yet. 
Welcome to my anxious brain. I had a MASSIVE anxiety attack that morphed into a meltdown because sometimes adulthood is just too much. I realize in the grand scheme of things all of this doesn’t matter, but it sure was suffocating last night. I couldn’t breathe. I got sick. It was the worst it’s been in years. 
And then today happened. 
The investors came to my building but never showed up to look at my apartment. 
I then conducted the two most awkward interviews thus far. The other four people didn’t show up. 
I MAY have hired the first person I interviewed. This means, I told my CLS person to hire her, so it’ll be up to her if she wants to take the job. Fingers crossed this works out. She was super lovely despite my awkwardness. The second person gave off too much a vibe like the person I had to let go last year, my CLS person noticed it too. She was nice, but I knew immediately we wouldn’t work well together. 
My point of all of this though is, anxiety is a damn roller coaster. Why does whatever you’re worrying about end up going better than how it goes in your head? I mean, I am grateful it’s always easier, but that’s just cruel. 
Time for deep breathing, sleep and a new day, please. 

Sorry if this posts weird. My cat broke the S key on my laptop so I have to write from my phone and every time I do that, it formats wrong. So I just haven’t updated. I needed to vent somewhere though so there you go. 


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