I woke up today and my mother felt entitled to be showered in gifts for being the best mother in the world. What do you do when she hasn’t been?
Mother’s Day. One of my least favorite days of the year. My mother is still with me of course, but she’s been “not here” for as long as I can remember. Last year, I had a lot of thoughts about those of us whose mothers are still with us, but have either hurt and damaged us in a way a mother never should, or are just completely inaccessible due to their own selfishness. How do you learn and grow as a woman, when your mother didn’t love you?
A couple years ago, my Arizona Mommy told me to be grateful for my mother because then I wouldn’t be around so everyone else could love me. I’ve tried to learn to think that way. I just don’t take the bullshit seriously and laugh at things most people wouldn’t. I AM grateful to my mother for being half the reason I am here. I wouldn’t have the life I do if it wasn’t for that. So, thanks mother. I will never be you, but thanks for showing me I need to be who I am and that will be enough for me and the people that do love me. I always feel the void a little deeper on Mother’s Day, maybe it’s because social media turns into a parade of good mothers and I wish I had that. The same thing happens on Father’s Day and it’s not any easier. It’s an unexpected thing you have to grow to cope with.
However, after an entire lifetime of feeling like no one understood, I have this new — friend — who knows exactly what I went through and how I feel on days like today. She has helped me create and nurture what she calls “a mother within” as a way to help in healing. It’s a peaceful kind of thing to share with someone, and with myself. It’s an interesting shift in perspective from where I was last year on this subject. Now I’m working on accepting everything I am and loving the things about myself that other people love about me. It’s a process and it’s new, but it makes living at the very end of my fight so much easier. I’m not alone anymore and during the parade of good mamas, that’s something I have to remember and hold close. My mother within is growing as I grow, and all I can do with that is to love. Love how I wasn’t loved. I know how to do that, because I know what I always wanted. I have to give it and make it for myself. I hope that with the practice of letting go and impending freedom, this will be the last year of my life the pain cuts this deep.
There are so many women in my life that give me the tools to shift my heart and love. I know they are who they are because they had amazing mothers themselves. So I hope you cherish yours today and I thank them for bringing you into this world. Thank you to all of the brave, strong and selfless women in my life who love their sons and daughters beyond measure. Thank you for showing the world that love is all that matters. You are everything every woman should be. Thank you for teaching me, even if you don’t realize you’re doing it. I love you. And I celebrate you today, to the ends of the earth. You are angels and blessings among the stars.