Today is my first birthday.
My sister Jamie has dubbed May 8th my birthday. Why? One year ago today, I walked into a social worker’s office and I asked for help. I’ve done this before, but this time it took the stripping away of my dignity and someone telling me they just wanted me to be comfortable to push me over the edge. I deserved to be comfortable. I deserved so much more than what I had.
I was terrified.
It’s been exactly one year. I am still terrified.
However, this is a completely different kind of terrified. One year ago I was terrified to ask for help because I thought someone would hurt me. And though the weeks following that first meeting were some of the most difficult I’ve had to endure, I’m still here. One year later and tomorrow, May 9th, I am signing the lease on my very first (accessible!) apartment on my own.
The difference now? I’m terrified AND excited.
I’ve had a lot of deep and meaningful conversations about this journey with my heart sisters. I’ve thought about all of the things that have happened to get me here, and all of the people who have pulled me through it. Jamie and I were talking specifically about my earth angels the other day (because we were discussing how Cady McClain and her memoir swooped in there right at the end) and she said something that is true. She said: “Kristin gave you strength. Susan gave you wisdom. And Cady has given you peace.”
She’s right… But you know what? I did this. I did all of this and I did it by myself. Though I am always told that I am a survivor and I am strong, I’ve never really realized how strong I actually am until this point. Maybe it’s because I have just become so self-aware of my surroundings to the point where I can acknowledge what’s not okay and what is. I’ve finally learned that I deserve everything I never grew up with as a child and everything I should already know as an adult. I’m sure all of this isn’t going to hit me full-force until I am sitting alone in my living room, or cooking in my kitchen, but I am going to take every second and be grateful that I survived. I survived for this.
I haven’t stopped smiling since I got the news the apartment was mine.
I have so much more I need to do in this world. I guess it’s true that “nobody but me is gonna change my story” as Matilda would say… and I definitely showed everyone how big my brave is. Thanks, Sara Bareilles for that anthem that got me through every single second for the last year.
And then there’s my friends — who are my family — you render me speechless. You’ve been the biggest blessings ever given to me in this life. Whether you listened when I needed a shoulder to cry on when it got hard, or took me out to have fun because you know how much I need positive companionship, or sent me things so my apartment isn’t completely empty or donated to my gofundme page among other things… You’re incredible. I would not be here without you. I cherish each and every one of you and will never forget what you’ve done for me. Thank you. I love you.
In the photo above, I was one month old. I look at that precious preemie baby girl before she was shattered and damaged by the people who were supposed to love her most on the planet and I just want to tell her now that she is not broken beyond repair. I want to tell her that it may take decades, but there is something worth fighting for, and people who will love her, protect, empower and uplift her are waiting in the light. The light at the end of the tunnel is here. It’s over. You’re safe, sweet baby girl. And you’ve given yourself that gift. You should be proud of yourself. They can’t hurt you anymore.
Happy Birthday, Kimmie. Make a wish on a glittery blue star.