One twist of fate. (For my Kristin)

(This was supposed to be posted yesterday for her birthday, but I really wasn’t feeling well so it took longer than I expected.  And I’ve made a lot of new friends recently and it is important they know this part of my life, since it’s the reason I’m here at all.  So if you read this, thank you.)

We started here…

Here with you, here with me, life is so beautiful.  Close my eyes, try to see, how it might’ve been.  Had we not ever met – one twist of fate – one look too late… What if we never met on that corner?  What if that chance had just passed us by?  What if we kept walking and never walked into each other’s eyes?  What if our life changed?  What if we turn away?  What if we never turn around?  Where would we be now?  – “What If We Never”  (The Westies/Easties song)

A  few months ago, Janice and I were talking about my earth angels and how drastically different my relationships are with each of them.  I know how lucky I am, not everyone gets to know and have their earth angels be a part of their lives.  In talking about the differences though, Janice said, “No, I get it.  Kristin saved your life.”  She’s right.

Kristin Chenoweth saved my life.

She’s been with me in spirit since my move back to California in December of 1999 when I had no friends and there was anywhere I’d rather be than here.  In June of 2004, my mother and I got into a fight that was so severe I literally had a heart attack at the age of 22.  When I was home afterwards, I curled up in my bed and wanted to die.  I cried and prayed to God all night long to take me away and not let me wake up in the morning.  Sounds dramatic, but I couldn’t believe what was happening to me.  The next morning, (June 18, 2004) my aunt came in my room and threw a magazine at me because Kristin was on the cover.  I picked it up and started thumbing through the pages – it was Guideposts – a Christian magazine and the article that Kristin wrote broke me open and left me bawling my eyes out.  She’s an amazing writer.  The article was all about listening to your inner-voice, staying true to who you are and taking things on faith.  I have big love for Kristin the Writer, and in that moment she saved my life.  I vowed right then that one day I would meet her to thank her in person for teaching me to breathe and bringing me back to my faith when I had strayed so far from it.  I read that article every single day without fail until the day we met in person for the first time almost two years later.  I wrote about the impact of the article in an old blog and in April of 2005 a friend gave it to Kristin for me.  A week or so later, I got a personalized signed photo in the mail from her and it was completely unexpected.  Her inspirational album, As I Am, was released then and became part of my strengthening faith daily life.  Now, it’s the only thing that can keep me calm and help me sleep when I’m in hospitals or having serious health issues.  Little did I know then that the time before we met was nothing compared to what happened when we finally did.  It’s true what they say, it’s worth the wait.

Fast-forward to February 26, 2006 (which I wrote about briefly here) and seeing her really was all a blur.  I was so far gone in another world I can barely remember it.  I remember her taking my hands in hers as I sat there sobbing like an emotional disaster because everything she ever helped me through until that point hit me like a ton of bricks.  I remember her asking me if I had fun on Space Mountain at Disneyland the previous day.  (Can still hear it in my head: “I love Space Mountain!  Didn’t you LOVE it?!”  Yes, I did.)  I remember her face and the tears when I first stood up for her.  (Now when I see her, I walk around usually and it makes her so happy.)  I remember as she hugged me she whispered in my ear that she was glad we finally met, which only made me cry more.  I remember when we went to take our first group photo she said, “Everyone get around me and Kimmie and be cute!”  Those are the memories I carried with me thinking I’d never see her again.

Boy, was I wrong.

Our first group photo.  Our first family photo.

My family was given to me that weekend.  My life shifted so fast.  Now my family saves me, nurtures me with love and restores my faith in humanity on a daily basis.  Every single one of them is invaluable to me.  Oh and the whole thinking I’d never see her again mentality?  After we met, we saw each other every other month or so for awhile.  In December of 2006 I got a job working for her official fan club, Glitter, where I worked until we wrapped things up in August of 2010.  We’ve never gone too long without seeing each other, except for that time two years passed (May 2009-September 2011) and I’m pretty sure that should never happen again.  Since day one we’ve been so authentically connected.  She shows up when I really need her without fail – be it in person, on stage, on television, on my iPod, on twitter or whatever.  I know there have been times I’ve done the same for her and I just feel so grateful that it’s this way.  I’d do anything for her and this family.  Anything.  My little sister Jamie once said to me when I was telling her of an incident from my dark and abusive childhood, “I think even then you knew.  You knew that we were waiting to find you and that is why you are still here.”  She’s right, too.  By the grace of God, I was meant to find and invest my love these people.  They are what life means to me.

Over the last couple weeks life turned upside down.  Kristin was pretty seriously injured on the set of The Good Wife and was hospitalized.  Just thinking of what she went through scared the high holy crap out of me.  It feels as if I have been praying 24 hours a day since I heard.  Every happy moment we’ve shared played on repeat through my mind like a movie.  Reality slapped me hard in the face.  Life is precious.  Yesterday on her twitter she wrote:  “Sounds dramatic, but I’m grateful to be here.”  It’s really not dramatic at all – it could have been worse.  We are all grateful she is still here.

And now we are here…

My Kristin:  Yesterday was your birthday and I have never been more thankful that you exist on this planet.  You bring nothing but joy and light to every soul that you touch.  Through everything, you’ve been here, even when it’s unexpected, and I am glad that we are all ready and able to be here for you as you recover.  You have a giant glittery army that has proven they will lift you up in prayers, thoughts and love.  You’re not only my earth angel, you are one to us all, and in this moment I can share that with the world.  I love you more than there are words in the universe to describe.  Thank you for making me feel just as loved.  I am so glad our two years of not seeing each other is over and we’ve spent a large quantity of quality time together in the last ten months.  Making up for lost time and never taking it for granted.  I’m so glad we’ve also been talking pretty consistently the last few months – it’s always nice to know when someone is thinking of me and you’ve done that more often than most people these days.  We’ve grown together – at least that’s what it feels like.  It’s all your heart.  I will always love you for the strength and depth of  your heart.  Don’t you ever change – because that alone is what will continue to make you so special.  Take care of yourself.  You’re always in my thoughts and prayers and I can’t wait until I can just give you a big hug.  I hope your birthday was good to you, Lord knows you deserve that and so much more.  I love you! You’ve definitely left “something that says: I was here.” Love, Your Kimmie  P.S.  You should be getting a little something in the mail from me very soon.  Take it to heart.  I hope it makes you smile.

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3 thoughts on “One twist of fate. (For my Kristin)

  1. Dear Kimmie,
    My favorite song came to mind as I read your sweet dedication to Kristin. Ironically, it’s “For Good.” I’m inspired by your story and look forward to hearing more about you and your Earth Angel. May glitter fall upon you both as you heal together. {I sooo would have been part of THE fan club had I know of its existence. 🙂 } Take care. Happy belated birthday to Kristin!
    Cheers, Jen
    P.S. I have known Janice for years but have lost touch. Please say hello & send her over to my blog as I’d love to reconnect. http://www.DancingInCarseats.wordpress.com Thank you kindly.

  2. Pingback: Pocket Universe Full of Stars | Laughter is life-giving. It makes you breathe.

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