I haven’t really come out of my depression and I feel like I’m under an invisibility cloak when it comes to everyone I know. Does anyone know that I’m here? Does anyone care that I’m here? Why does nobody want to spend time with me? I’ve been asking myself for the past couple months but a lot in the last week or so. I don’t want to focus on that though, because that’s just not how I work. I can’t let myself fall through the cracks when I’m feeling this alone.
Recently, someone asked me “what makes a best friend?” This was my response:
Over the years, I’ve gone back and forth with that term and I mostly hate it because I’ve been so hurt in the past. But you know what? That’s life. And I’ve learned who my real friends are. So I’m going to say, the friends that show up. The friends that you can count on. The ones that make time for you no matter how busy they are. The ones you can trust with your deepest secrets that make you feel ugly on the inside. The ones you can cry with and they’ll hold you close without judgment. The ones you who you can laugh with until your stomach hurts. The ones that know everything about you, all the good and the bad things you’ve done and they love you anyway. The ones who share their humanity and inspire you to become the best person you can be. The ones who you want to make proud when you wake up every morning. The ones that know that friendship is a two way street.
It’s very tricky to answer a question like that when you’re in a dark place and don’t have any sort of faith. I thought t myself, you asked this on purpose because somehow you know that I’m in a hole I can’t get out of. However, at the same time it snaps you back into perspective. I know who these people are in my life. I fell into a downward spiral this week and didn’t do anything good for myself. In fact, I did some things I never should do again. Then I took a few days away and realized that these behaviors weren’t adding anything of value to my life. If now is the time that I’m supposed to be alone without positive energy then fine. It’s not giving up, it’s the balance of all of the magic in my life. I was not put on this planet to just deteriorate when things get hard. What good is life if I’m not living and breathing in every moment, even if I haven’t left my bed for months? At least I am here. It’s a gift and I know that – and there’s always the magic in between.
I have more magic and miracles in my life than most people see in their entire lifetime. My heart family is like something out of a movie. My nieces are angels on earth and I have an army of grace and power sitting on my shoulders encouraging me consistently, even when I want to give up. How did I get so lucky? Why do I continue to be blessed even when I feel like I don’t deserve it? My life itself is a miracle because I should have died the day I was born. Why do I let state of mind push me down? I don’t have to be good enough for anyone but myself, and I wasn’t treating myself kindly at all. I don’t deserve that.
In the days away I just decided this has been the year of the early summer. If you were to give it a definition it truly has.
- I got to spend the last day My Person was here with her, her family and two of my East Coast sisters. It was the best Disneyland day I’ve ever had in my life. To witness that joy and that love, there is nothing better.
- I got to be crafty with my favorite crafty partner in crime, even though The Grove took our nook away.
- I’ve gotten to spend quality time with two of my earth angels and had music once again rejuvenate my soul.
- I saw my favorite band, Sugarland, in concert for the first time with two of my favorite people. There is nothing that’s not uplifting and empowering about that music.
- My mother took time out of her life to take me to see Snow White and the Huntsman – and she hates movie theaters. Plus, she didn’t make me pay for it.
- I may have spent the Fourth of July alone, but just days before Jillian and I were watching the Disneyland fireworks from the doorway of our hotel room across the street. Not to mention Jillian gave me a whole weekend of her time because she wanted to.
- I got to spend time with one of the very sweet Glitter girls.
- I have a “wife” that loves me and checks on me everyday no matter how busy and crazy her life is. I don’t deserve her.
- My East coast sisters have been constants for me lately – especially Annie. I miss you Annie. You have no idea how valuable you are.
- I’ve got the Evil Regals encouraging me to become a healthier me and a better version of myself – keeping me on track.
- And through all of this, the blonde earth angel has been randomly sending me messages of love on her own, without me saying a word to her. Always in moments when I really need it. We seem to be always connected that way. I’ve learned to just let it be what it is.
No one can take any of this away from me. These are my blessings – the things that have gotten me through. The people that contribute so much to my life have no idea how I appreciate them. I would not be here without you. I just wouldn’t. Thank you for being who you are, my rays of light.
Not every summer can be sunshine and ocean breeze, and the next time I’m consumed by darkness I’ll come back to these moments and hold onto them for dear life.