Last week I was faced with some of the most personal and violating questions a person could ever be asked by a government agency. Because I have to have someone assist in caring for me, this meeting of self-image soul-sucking occurs every year. And without fail, every year it pushes me into the ground. This year, I feel like I can’t get back up.
Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for the fact that I have my little nook with a bed to sleep in and what food I do eat, but sometimes I feel like my needs don’t matter to anyone but me. Let me just explain partially what I mean by this:
- The people I live with bought a SUV (which I can’t get in) – now I cannot leave the house unless I use my accessible transportation.
- Sure, I have the accessible transportation, but when I take that I need someone to come with me and assist me in pushing my chair. So I generally have to meet friends places, which is fine. However, it’s summer and people are busy or on vacation and don’t have the time or have other plans.
- I became a vegetarian because I wanted to make better food choices, but now that I can’t get in the car I can no longer go grocery shopping for myself. This is a big freedom I feel like I’ve lost and it is so discouraging. So now while there is no animal product in my food, I eat whatever is bought which usually equals crap and then I get sick because my digestive system is unhappy.
- I’ve told my caretaker I wanted to go outside for a walk everyday. I’ve never been to physical therapy even though with CP I should be in physical therapy. She questioned why I need to do it outside. Well, because we have nine indoor animals and there’s not enough room for me to go walking around the house with my walker. Despite expressing this, my outside walks don’t happen.
I know if I want these things to change I have to be the one to change them, it’s just difficult when I get no cooperation.
Around three A.M. this morning, I was scrolling mindlessly through twitter only to come upon something Lana Parrilla retweeted about an Evil Regal Get Healthy Challenge. I clicked it and thought, I’m gonna join these people. We all may be in different situations, but Evil Regals are nothing if not supportive. After I hit the join button, something compelled me to come back to my blog and I just kept rereading this portion of my last post:
Self-love is the key. Own what makes you different – because it’s what makes you who you are. This is a truth. You have one body, care for it, be proud of it and don’t let any sort of outside influence get in the way of what makes you comfortable. You want to workout? Do it. You want to eat a cupcake? Do it. Love you God? Praise Him. Are you gay? Love who you love. You are only as much a victim to your fate as you make yourself out to be. You have to be your own hero. No one can save you but yourself. You have to want to live and breathe – and experience the real beauty found in all of the little things that are happening all around us in this moment. Beauty isn’t found on the cover of a magazine – real life doesn’t come with an airbrush tool. And that’s key too – we only have this life. You don’t get a second chance. Don’t let your society dictate who you should be – be the person who is awake in the depths of your soul. Let that person into the sunlight – it’s warm and inviting. You’ll never be alone again because you’ll always have a friend in yourself. Just be. It’s all we have and we do the best we can with it.
Look in the mirror and say: “I’m beautiful.”
It was just amazing to me – the turnaround of emotion. I spent all of last week having multiple panic attacks over that ridiculous meeting. I had plans accidentally fall through. Everyone I care about just felt so far away. I felt completely alone. It has been almost a month since I have left the house and that can do a number on my self-esteem, too. I got such positive feedback on that last post. I felt like I was uplifting others as well as myself and that felt good. I couldn’t believe that I could go from such a high of feeling those things about myself to such a low. Is that the balance of life? Why did I care about this so much?
The truth of it is, I don’t want anything bad to happen to me. I want to be healthy and happy and with my own words echoing in my head and a click of a button on a Facebook group, I realized that. Today I have been consumed with thoughts on how to change certain aspects of my life. Some things I came up with:
- Getting out of here is obviously priority number one, but I am not completely recovered yet from my previous situation. I’ll get there.
- Sending people out with a specific grocery list and making sure they stick to it. Just because you don’t like fruits and vegetables doesn’t mean I don’t. It also doesn’t mean I want to eat processed crap.
- This I’m just going to put out there — is there anyone in LA/LA County/SoCal that would want to meet me once a week or even once a month to walk around somewhere? Just so I can get some exercise. I feel completely useless over the fact that I don’t have the capacity to move my body right now.
- I was even talking to Jillian about doing The Color Run in San Diego with her this November. Okay, so maybe that’s a little ambitious, but I don’t have to run it. I can walk part of it and Jillian would push me part of it. I’d really like to try… to say I did something like that, you know?
I just needed to change my mentality. It will get better. Thank you for the slight push.