On Valentine’s Day I posted online that I was going to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind as I always do on that day. A friend of mine told me she can no longer watch that film for personal reasons. I started to wonder if I had some unknown list in my brain of condemned movies – movies that take me back to a time that hurt, people I lost or just were generally reminiscent of a period where I wish things could have stayed the same. I couldn’t come up with any, and in a way I was grateful, and then last night happened.
Ten P.M. and our internet went out for about twenty minutes. In that time, I decided I’d find a movie to fall asleep to and just go to bed. I chose (500) Days of Summer without thinking. It’s my favorite current movie and has been since the first time I saw it. There shouldn’t be anything wrong here, right? And I used to watch it every night as I fell asleep so I knew it would sooth me into sleep. This was a great idea, I told myself.
I didn’t even make it through the opening credits before I started bawling my eyes out and had to turn it off and cry myself to sleep. I realized in the two minutes and thirty-seven seconds in which it was running just how much I miss my sister. So much of the things that brought us joy were wrapped up in that movie. “Us” — the song in the opening credits — was our song. I had flashbacks of our IKEA reenactment adventure. It was hard on my heart, and maybe I deserve a good punch in the heart now and then. It’s been almost a year since we had a falling out, and I won’t go into details here, but I wish I could have handled the situation better. I can’t take anything back that happened and I can’t fix it and I hate that. In that moment, I just wanted to hide that movie away from the light of day forever. I don’t think I can ever watch it again unless it is with her.
When I went to sleep, I had a dream that we talked it out – as we should have in the first place – and were friends again. I have so many deep feelings about this that I can’t even put them into words. It makes me want to reach out to her, but I’m afraid she won’t want to speak to me. I’m not sure how I would put my thoughts into words if she did. I just hope that she knows that no matter what happened between us, I have always loved her and am still inspired by her strength and courage. And she will always be one of my sisters. The place in my heart is still there, even if we never see or speak to each other again.
My love for the people in my life is unconditional no matter the circumstances. I feel really exposed and vulnerable writing this here, but I needed to get all of this out of my head. Exhale.