Almost a week into my thirties and I’ve been sick in bed the whole time. Somehow I feel like this is the Universe’s way of laughing at my lack of accomplishment in my time here, but I think I am pretty damn lucky. When you’re confined to your bed, you have a lot of time to think about anything and everything and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that thoughts of how my life is going nowhere productive didn’t come up. Here’s the thing though, my life has never been typical or conventional.
I crashed this party we call life ten weeks earlier than expected. I fought for my life and I am still fighting just like anyone else to figure this world out. I’ve gone from special schools to being mainstreamed to my home life being a constant earth-shake practically raising myself and my brother to losing my foundation of love to still coming out on top. I could write a book on all of it, but I’ll spare you. And as I was thinking of all of this, I came to realize: I was never the typical girl. This means that more than likely, I won’t be the typical woman with the cliche ideals on life.
I didn’t grow up and experience most things. I haven’t had a boyfriend since high school. I didn’t go to college. I don’t have a steady job. Instead I had surgeries and dark situations that most adults can’t even imagine paired with a nomadic lifestyle which left a void in knowing what “home” meant. This is not me feeling sorry for myself, it’s more me realizing I had to learn to navigate life differently than most people. Because of it, I understand why I appreciate the little things to the extent that I do.
Last week I flew one of my best friends, Kyla, here from Canada to celebrate both of our birthdays. My other best friend let her stay at her house and we got to spend time together for the first time in two and a half years. Really, this is the best thing anyone could have done for me. Earlier this year Kyla was one of two people who kept me from giving up on everything. I just really needed her to be here right now. We watched Bones (our favorite show) and then we visited “The Jeffersonian” and played with the dinosaurs. We sipped mimosas and ate a fancy breakfast on Sunset Boulevard. Then we had a slumber party with fancy cupcakes, a viewing of 13 Going on 30 for hilarity’s sake, and frolicked the day away with a magical Mouse at Disneyland and tossing birthday wishes into an enchanted Wishing Well. My heart sank after Kyla left, the time was too short for such a long period apart, I thought. I was needy and wanted more.
The night Kyla left I went with my best friend Janice to our friend Susan Egan’s CD release concert. I’ve written about such an experience before, about how Susan’s music and presence in my life just puts everything into perspective for me. I feel things I’m not used to and I feel everything and the blessings around me. This was the perfect heart lift for me. As I sat there listening to my friend sing about finding “the secret of happiness” (which I plan on reviewing in an upcoming post) I realized she wasn’t alone. And I realized it even more over the past few days with the neverending sickness keeping me company.
I may not have had the typical upbringing. I may not be in the typical situation now. My days aren’t about coffee and office hours. I’m not consumed with finding a husband and having a baby. That’s not me. I wasn’t routine when I got here, why would I fit into the routine cycle of life? I’m special. I have a family I was meant to put together myself. I love them. I love their families that include me in theirs. My nieces and nephews are the loves of my life, there are so many things I want to teach them. The people and places I spend my time around are everything. We go on adventures, we laugh, we have experiences I never dreamed I’d be lucky enough to have. I may not have the degree or the man or the child of my own and I may not ever have those things, but you know what? I am okay with that. I have never been defined by society’s standards, why would I let it worry me now?
I have blessings and I have love. Maybe I have found “the secret of happiness” because there’s nothing more than this that I need. There’s nothing more than this life that I need. If it’s hard, it’s hard but it passes and I have love. The Beatles were right, all you need is love. Most people work their whole lives to figure out the meaning of life but I think I’ve figured you out, life. The ride can only get better from here.
Everything is ok.